So I’ve had a bad day today.
Didnt want to speak to anyone, I switched off my phone and was in bed most of the day. I avoided company as all I wanted to do was cry….so that’s what I did….cry. I did it quietly under the duvet where no-one could see me because I don’t want to upset anyone, that’s what people with life threatening illness do – they hide their anguish from everyone because we don’t want to appear weak when everyone assumes we are full steam ahead. I did answer a few texts here and there because texts are safe – no-one has to “hear” the hurt in my voice.
What was lovely though and it gave me a temporary reprieve was my Chemo mate Steph called 🙂 you may recall I met Steph at my first chemo and she has kept in contact with me – now she knows the up and downs of this beast as she is currently on her 5th of 6 chemos!!! She called just to see how I was…it was great speaking to her, she shares my woes but more importantly knows how they just mess with my head. She is also in for Chemo on the same day as me next week…its like we were arranging to meet up for a drink at our local…….we were actually…..just our drinks are poisonous and are administered directly into the blood stream….and the hangover lasts for a week or two 😦
I can best describe it as a pressure cooker. I just simmer with the occasional splutter in the background but after a week all the pent-up emotions release and I falter and fall and all the dark thoughts I’ve been experiencing just come to a head and the water works open. If I didn’t have this pressure cooker effect I don’t know what I’d do, I don’t want to think about it actually.
Anyway, I cried and let out my demons, spoke to my good friend upstairs, I can’t see him but I know he is there… and then finally “had a word with myself” (one of Sherri’s lines). I then picked myself up, had a cup of tea, a slice of toast and came downstairs to re-join normality.
I have a couple of friends visiting this evening so that should hopefully take my mind off the “shituation”. I was also invited out this evening by a good friend of mine who has been so very supportive through these few weeks (she even offered to shave her hair off when my hair falls and be bald with me) but I don’t want to ruin her evening as she has other guests and if I get upset it’s not fair on them….and no…..I wouldn’t let her shave her head…even though I know she would….but her hubby probably wouldn’t like it!!
I hate the way this crap is ruining my social life (not that I had a busy one) but heck……what little I do have is being robbed. Chu…..KMT!
Anyway…..onwards and upwards. I have Chemo round 2 coming up next week so I need to enjoy these last few days of feeling normal again before the toxic juices injected into my body shows me who’s the boss! Bring it on!
Hope you all have a grand weekend. Have a drink for me 🙂 Cheers.
PS: Rannie has made some delicious chicken soup. He has taken over the kitchen since I fell ill. One thing I know for sure, without me, my kids will never starve 🙂