Today was a bad day…..but it only lasts a while.

So I’ve  had a bad day today.

Didnt want to speak to anyone, I switched off my phone and was in bed most of the day.  I avoided company as all I wanted to do was cry….so that’s what I did….cry. I did it quietly under the duvet where no-one could see me because I don’t want to upset anyone, that’s what people with life threatening illness do – they hide their anguish from everyone because we don’t want to appear weak when everyone assumes we are full steam ahead. I did answer a few texts here and there because texts are safe – no-one has to “hear” the hurt in my voice.

What was lovely though and it gave me a temporary reprieve was my Chemo mate Steph called 🙂  you may recall I met Steph at my first chemo and she has kept in contact with me – now she knows the up and downs of this beast as she is currently on her 5th of 6 chemos!!! She called just to see how I was…it was great speaking to her, she shares my woes but more importantly knows how they just mess with my head. She is also in for Chemo on the same day as me next week…its like we were arranging to meet up for a drink at our local…….we were actually…..just our drinks are poisonous and are administered directly into the blood stream….and the hangover lasts for a week or two 😦

I can best describe it as a pressure cooker. I just simmer with the occasional splutter in the background but after a week all the pent-up emotions release and I falter and fall and all the dark thoughts I’ve been experiencing just come to a head and the water works open.  If I didn’t have this pressure cooker effect I don’t know what I’d do, I don’t want to think about it actually.

Anyway, I cried and let out my demons, spoke to my good friend upstairs, I can’t see him but I know he is there… and then finally “had a word with myself” (one of Sherri’s lines). I then picked myself up, had a cup of tea, a slice of toast and came downstairs to re-join normality.

I have a couple of friends visiting this evening so that should hopefully take my mind off the “shituation”. I was also invited out this evening by a good friend of mine who has been so very supportive through these few weeks (she even offered to shave her hair off when my hair falls and be bald with me) but I don’t want to ruin her evening as she has other guests and if I get upset it’s not fair on them….and no…..I wouldn’t let her shave her head…even though I know she would….but her hubby probably wouldn’t like it!!

I hate the way this crap is ruining my social life (not that I had a busy one) but heck……what little I do have is being robbed. Chu…..KMT!

Anyway…..onwards and upwards. I have Chemo round 2 coming up next week so I need to enjoy these last few days of feeling normal again before the toxic juices injected into my body shows me who’s the boss!  Bring it on!

Hope you all have a grand weekend. Have a drink for me 🙂 Cheers.

Lisa

PS: Rannie has made some delicious chicken soup. He has taken over the kitchen since I fell ill. One thing I know for sure, without me, my kids will never starve 🙂

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About kissmeteet

47, wife, mother of 3 and nanny to 2, Christian. 6 year survivor of stage II Breast Cancer.
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10 Responses to Today was a bad day…..but it only lasts a while.

  1. Marcia Williams says:

    I hope you feel a little better Lisa I am following your blog when i read your blog about praying I never thought that people would say I pray for you but did not do so. I pray for you when I am showering now because I feel I am showering it away from you.

    I looked on the poems and thought of this one for you x

    Close you Eyes
    and you will see clearly,
    Cease to Listen
    and you will hear truth,
    Be Silent
    and your heart will sing,
    Seek no Contacts
    and you will find union,
    Be Still
    and you will move forward on the tide of spirit,
    Be Gentle
    and you will achieve no strength,
    Be Patient
    and you will achieve all things,
    Be Humble
    and you will remain entire

    Marcia x

  2. Sharon Warmington says:

    Girl, you’re allowed to ride the rollacoaster in anyway you want – scream, shout or sit in silence just hold tight and you’ll make it out the other end. Take care and I AM PRAYING FOR YOU.

  3. Joy Scott says:

    Lovely Lisa, Give thanks you made it through today , God has given you the strength to face another day because you are fearfully and Wonderfully made. I said a prayer for you this evening at church, be encouraged my sister you have cancer, cancer does not HAVE YOU . Love you Girl xx

  4. Lorna Francis says:

    Cry if you have to.

  5. Martin Baptiste says:

    Lisa, I’m following your blog daily, it’s like i’m reading a book & can’t wait for the next chapter…You keep doing what you are doing & I’m one of those who actually pray for you.
    Glad that your nearest & dearest are there for you & are looking after you.
    And most of all God is watching over you @ your every need, the Devil is trying to break you down but you have to keep the faith. One day @ a time is all you need to get through this.
    M.B

  6. lisa i admire you as you are not feeling the best but yet you still think of others, wishing them well, (i know you done this b4 you was not so well) “God Bless You”.

    and something else you said, you pray to the father above even though you cannot c him, “thank God for your faith”

    remember God is a spirit we worship him in spirit and truth, just like the wind that keeps blowing, we cannot see him but we feel him move – “There is a God”

    xxx

  7. Karen Seaton says:

    Lisa, even when you are at your lowest, I know your inner strength will help you through. Been whispering a prayer every night, God Bless you xx

  8. Cheryl says:

    Lisa, my thoughts and prayers are with you on a daily basis. Even though you have your ups and downs, you still manage to write your blog, glad that i have signed up to the email, to recieve your latest blog. Dont forget that there is a God, he knows, he sees, he is always there, when we feel that he is not there. Girl, keep on keeping strong with your faith, as the devil is a damn blasted liar. “God is good all the time, all the time God is good”. You have wonderful support from your faimly and friends, and you my girl has got nuff inner strength. Blessings as always…….xxxx

  9. temica6 says:

    KMT I HATE TO HEAR WHEN YOUR DOWN KMT CHU WISH I COULD DO MAGIC I WOULD MAGIC AWAY DIS BIG C. LOVE YOU LISA TRY KEEP YOUR SPIRIT UP LISA LISA . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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