I havent blogged for a little while, not that I was ill, I’ve been quite well actually, just very tired….in fact exhausted. However I managed to get out a bit in my last week before Chemo No.3. I went to see my good friends Ian & Deana and had a lovely meal and an evening catching up. I also managed to attend my husbands kick boxing clubs annual Christmas party, OK I couldn’t boogie the night away on the dance floor, but I managed to stay awake, catch up with friends I havent seen for a while. No alcohol involved….and I still had a good time.
The reason I have been a bit quiet is that on 6th December I had that full body CT Scan that I mentioned previously…remember the one that checks for picket fences and new homes being built by the bugger who had invaded my body. I was having various pains elsewhere in my body, I was losing sleep over it, I had convinced myself that I had secondary cancer, I had even looked into Hospice care and facilities in preparation for the end of my life, I am not kidding when I say that, I had done my research on what local hospices are nearest to me….I had read up about death and dying, I had almost accepted I was going back to God sometime in the very near future. I’d convinced myself this Christmas would possibly be my last yet I didn’t have the energy to prepare for Christmas.
Today I went in for Chemo Number 3, but before I had Chemo I had to go and see the oncologist at the hospital for the results of my CT scan. I havent slept properly for 2 whole weeks worrying about it, they call it “Scanxiety”. I woke up and went to bed thinking about it, I showered thinking about it, I ate thinking about it, I lived my every day with it at the forefront of everything I did…its soul destroying, the cancer had taken over my mind, my thoughts, I was not in a happy place but you would really never know this as I cover it up very well. I couldn’t think about anything else but about how I was going to handle the news. How was I going to tell my children, my mum,my siblings, my close friends that I was leaving them.
All I knew is that when the doctor gave me the news I was ready to say “Please don’t tell me how long I have left” . I don’t want to know as I feel it will limit me, it will destroy my fighting spirit and change my mental state – just let me live and I will know when its time….but don’t YOU tell me when to expect it….thats just horrid. I know there are people who would want to know so they can cram everything into that time slot, they would want to tick all those empty boxes on their bucket list. In truth, I do not have a bucket list, I have no intention of creating one either. I only really had one major wish throughout my life that I would liked to have done before I died and I was blessed with that happening for me last year, those people involved know what I mean. No, I really am happy with my lot, I do love my life, my family, my friends and what I have. Yes, I’m a humble person, some may think I have no ambition to not “want” more…..especially if I am to die soon, but no, I wouldn’t, I just would like to enjoy my family and close friends, having time with them and creating memories for them to treasure of me in years to come. I’m not bothered about seeing the Grand Canyon, the Sphinx or a doing a crazy ass Bungee Jump, for those things are really not important to me. The only thing that is truly and sincerely important is the love and company of my family and friends as they are the ones who make me laugh, understand me, support me and love me just for being me.
So anyway…you will want to hear the results then. The doctor said two words to me, and I cried. “All Clear”. I asked her again, I said “honestly??” she chuckled and said “Yes, there is no evidence of cancer spread elsewhere”, I then proceeded to ask her whether she is telling the truth, I said it directly “You wouldn’t lie to me would you?”, her and the nurse confirmed firmly that they don’t do lies. She confirmed that I have Gallstones – which I knew anyway, I have had them about 8 years now and they haven’t bothered me since the first flare up so they can stay put. She also confirmed I had a very small dot on my lung but she says she isn’t worried about it and 9/10 people will have odd marks in internal organs, scans are very sensitive and pick up all sorts. They will check it again on my 2nd scan in about 5 months and she expects it to be the same or gone. Let me make it clear, All Clear doesn’t mean I have a permanent all clear, its just means right now the only cancer is in the breast and lymph nodes, it hasn’t gone into another internal organ, but the threat remains. I pray and go for my treatment, that’s all I can do.
I am so humbled by today’s experience, I’m happy, very happy but at the same time I am upset because I know so many women and men out there didn’t get the “All Clear” and are living with secondary cancer and dealing with all the emotional turmoil that brings.
So as for Christmas, I’m really not feeling Christmassy this year, yes the Christmas tree was put up last week (not by me I add). My Christmas spirit is all but gone this year, I pray it will return in time for next year but if you don’t get a card or pressie this year from me, please don’t take it personally, I just have a bit of a heavy heart and a troubled mind, but it will pass.
Chemo No 3 went well today. My chemo partners this month was my Brother Simon and Sherri also popped in to keep my spirits up, plus she knew about my upcoming scan results and we just wanted to hug and say “Thank GOD”. Simon bought me 2 wigs to try on – he is as mad as a hatter that man but it was lovely having him there with me and catching up. Rannie left when Simon arrived so he could go and buy his mum and dad and xmas present….believe me….we’ve done NOTHING for xmas as the hospital and my illness has just taken over our lives.
I have been so touched in the last month by so many people. I have been sent some beautiful gifts (nothing to do with xmas). I am so very grateful and I will get round to all of those people to thank them personally. Especially for those gifts which fulfil my spiritual needs. God works through people and he is certainly sending his disciples to let me know he is there and he hears my prayers and sees my tears. I know Im on the prayer list at many churches right now. Its quite surreal when on Sunday at Church I hear my name called which is now added to the list for special prayers. This humbles me.
I just want to wish each and everyone who is reading my Blog a wonderful festive season. Enjoy the fruits of your hard labour and remember to give thanks for what you have and what you are experiencing. Also take a moment to spare a thought for those whom are less fortunate than yourself, there are many in awful situations right now that we could never even begin to contemplate. Say a prayer for those families who have an empty seat at their table this Christmas, again there are many who have lost a family member this year and in years gone by, the pain goes on for them and at this time of year it’s very raw.
Love, Light & Blessings
Lisa & Family
PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Brother Simon. He was born on Christmas Day….he was always one to make an entrance! lol