Christmas and Cancer

I havent blogged for a little while, not that I was ill, I’ve been quite well actually, just very tired….in fact exhausted. However I managed to get out a bit in my last week before Chemo No.3. I went to see my good friends Ian & Deana and had a lovely meal and an evening catching up. I also managed to attend my husbands kick boxing clubs annual Christmas party, OK I couldn’t boogie the night away on the dance floor, but I managed to stay awake, catch up with friends I havent seen for a while.  No alcohol involved….and I still had a good time.

The reason I have been a bit quiet is that on 6th December I had that full body CT Scan that I mentioned previously…remember the one that checks for picket fences and new homes being built by the bugger who had invaded my body. I was having various pains elsewhere in my body, I was losing sleep over it, I had convinced myself that I had secondary cancer, I had even looked into Hospice care and facilities in preparation for the end of my life, I am not kidding when I say that, I had done my research on what local hospices are nearest to me….I had read up about death and dying, I had almost accepted I was going back to God sometime in the very near future. I’d convinced myself this Christmas would possibly be my last yet I didn’t have the energy to prepare for Christmas.

Today I went in for Chemo Number 3, but before I had Chemo I had to go and see the oncologist at the hospital for the results of my CT scan.  I havent slept properly for 2 whole weeks worrying about it, they call it “Scanxiety”.   I woke up and went to bed thinking about it, I showered thinking about it, I ate thinking about it, I lived my every day with it at the forefront of everything I did…its soul destroying, the cancer had taken over my mind, my thoughts, I was not in a happy place but you would really never know this as I cover it up very well. I couldn’t think about anything else but about how I was going to handle the news. How was I going to tell my children, my mum,my siblings, my close friends that I was leaving them.

All I knew is that when the doctor gave me the news I was ready to say “Please don’t tell me how long I have left” .  I don’t want to know as I feel it will limit me, it will destroy my fighting spirit and change my mental state – just let me live and I will know when its time….but don’t YOU tell me when to expect it….thats just horrid.  I know there are people who would want to know so they can cram everything into that time slot, they would want to tick all those empty boxes on their bucket list.  In truth, I do not have a bucket list, I have no intention of creating one either.  I only really had one major wish throughout my life that I would liked to have done before I died and I was blessed with that happening for me last year, those people involved know what I mean.  No,  I really am happy with my lot, I do love my life, my family, my friends and what I have.  Yes, I’m a humble person, some may think I have no ambition to not “want” more…..especially if I am to die soon, but no, I wouldn’t, I just would like to enjoy my family and close friends, having time with them and creating memories for them to treasure of me in years to come.  I’m not bothered about seeing the Grand Canyon, the Sphinx or a doing a crazy ass Bungee Jump, for those things are really not important to me.  The only thing that is truly and sincerely important is the love and company of my family and friends as they are the ones who make me laugh, understand me, support me and love me just for being me.

So anyway…you will want to hear the results then.  The doctor said two words to me, and I cried. “All Clear”. I asked her again, I said “honestly??” she chuckled and said “Yes, there is no evidence of cancer spread elsewhere”, I then proceeded to ask her whether she is telling the truth, I said it directly “You wouldn’t lie to me would you?”, her and the nurse confirmed firmly that they don’t do lies.  She confirmed that I have Gallstones – which I knew anyway, I have had them about 8 years now and they haven’t bothered me since the first flare up so they can stay put. She also confirmed I had a very small dot on my lung but she says she isn’t worried about it and 9/10 people will have odd marks in internal organs, scans are very sensitive and pick up all sorts. They will check it again on my 2nd scan in about 5 months and she expects it to be the same or gone. Let me make it clear, All Clear doesn’t mean I have a permanent all clear, its just means right now the only cancer is in the breast and lymph nodes, it hasn’t gone into another internal organ, but the threat remains. I pray and go for my treatment, that’s all I can do.

I am so humbled by today’s experience, I’m happy, very happy but at the same time I am upset because I know so many women and men out there didn’t get the “All Clear” and are living with secondary cancer and dealing with all the emotional turmoil that brings.

So as for Christmas, I’m really not feeling Christmassy this year, yes the Christmas tree was put up last week (not by me I add).  My Christmas spirit is all but gone this year, I pray it will return in time for next year but if you don’t get a card or pressie this year from me, please don’t take it personally, I just have a bit of a heavy heart and a troubled mind, but it will pass.

Chemo No 3 went well today. My chemo partners this month was my Brother Simon and Sherri also popped in to keep my spirits up, plus she knew about my upcoming scan results and we just wanted to hug and say “Thank GOD”. Simon bought me 2 wigs to try on – he is as mad as a hatter that man but it was lovely having him there with me and catching up.  Rannie left when Simon arrived so he could go and buy his mum and dad and xmas present….believe me….we’ve done NOTHING for xmas as the hospital and my illness has just taken over our lives.

I have been so touched in the last month by so many people. I have been sent some beautiful gifts (nothing to do with xmas). I am so very grateful and I will get round to all of those people to thank them personally. Especially for those gifts which fulfil my spiritual needs.  God works through people and he is certainly sending his disciples to let me know he is there and he hears my prayers and sees my tears. I know Im on the prayer list at many churches right now. Its quite surreal when on Sunday at Church I hear my name called which is now added to the list for special prayers. This humbles me.

I just want to wish each and everyone who is reading my Blog a wonderful festive season. Enjoy the fruits of your hard labour and remember to give thanks for what you have and what you are experiencing.  Also take a moment to spare a thought for those whom are less fortunate than yourself, there are many in awful situations right now that we could never even begin to contemplate.  Say a prayer for those families who have an empty seat at their table this Christmas, again there are many who have lost a family member this year and in years gone by, the pain goes on for them and at this time of year it’s very raw.

Love, Light & Blessings

Lisa & Family

xxx

PS:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Brother Simon. He was born on Christmas Day….he was always one to make an entrance! lol

Advertisements

About kissmeteet

46, wife, mother of 3 and nanny to 2, Christian. 4 year survivor of stage II Breast Cancer.
This entry was posted in breast, cancer, chemo, Christmas, CT Scan, death. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Christmas and Cancer

  1. mizb11 says:

    I’m gonna say it ! I TOLD U xxxxxx
    Fantastic news hun, enjoy the festive season as best u can, blessing and untold huggggzzz for u and fam…..

  2. Andi McLean says:

    LIIIIIISSSSSAAAAAA!!!!! Right now I nah lie to you…. Mi ah BAAAWL wid tears of JOY!!! I don’t do christmas, I don’t buy presents or cards & I don’t expect to receive them either, but Our Father knows that in my heart I had one earnest daily prayer and for me it’s just been answered!!! So I give thanks mentally, heartically, joyfully & spiritually!! This is the BEST NEWS I’ve heard in MONTHS!!
    I know that holiday season will be and feel EXTRA SPECIAL for you, Rannie and your wonderful children, so I hope you all have a wonderous time, the remote gets lost and de rice nuh ketch! Lol

    Blessed Love my Sister!! 🙂 xxxxxx
    Ps. & Happy Earthday to your brother Simon 🙂

  3. Sheron says:

    Lisa may you and your family have a wonderful peaceful Christmas thankyou for sharing your story you put so many thngs into perspective, so glad to hear you have the all clear….
    xx

  4. Michelle Sutherland says:

    Leese, I keep saying this BUT I’m gonna say it again -” you, my love are an inspiration to so many of us reading your blog”. As the saying goes “he who feels it knows it” and only you know Darling, cause unless we go through what you’re experiencing then we can only imagine. God knows we need you here for many years to come & I know God hears every single prayer request for ‘Mrs Lisa Elliot’, he must be saying “gosh she’s very popular, I hear her name every day” (smile & keep smiling), so don’t think he doesn’t know who you are and what you need. Love you xxx.

  5. Joy Scott says:

    Lovely Lisa,I am writing this with tears of Joy and happiness, and thanking god for his grace and mercy that has kept you through the sheer hell you went through while you were waiting for your scan results. The Devil is liar!!! you are ALL CLEAR . i want to encourage and remind you, that you are a child of the most high god, Fear (false evidence appearing real) will always find a way into your thoughts, but rebuke it, in the name of jESUS. This christmas celebrate Life and Love, enjoy time with those nearest and dearest and keep on keeping on, stay strong and BEAUTIFUL, Love you Girl xx

  6. Marlene says:

    God is good, “all the time”. I have just received the best christmas present ever. reading your blog. Who needs physical presents, when we can read positive news like yours.

    Keep writing girl, once you get a little more strenght, i pray you will put this into a book.

    Share a wonderful christmas and new year with your family and friends. continuous prayers at all time

    God bless x

  7. Kina says:

    Hi Lisa this is Sonia Kina’s mom. I have read your blog and give thanks that you have an all clear report, and so happy that you are writing about your journey with cancer so honestly and openly. As a Holistic Practitioner this so helps with the emotional healing and this is a very necessary link to healing the mind,body and spirit.
    I pray that your state of mind will be comforted to know that I am thinking of you with such admiration for your courage to let me in on such a personal journey.
    If you need a drive out or just someone to talk to I am a good listener or on the other hand if you just want to chilax let me know.
    May the Creator continue to keep and protect you
    Love Sonia xx

  8. Matthew Gordon says:

    Now that’s is good news. Have a wonderful Christmas break. Oh and you look bloody hot. I am going to take some clippers to Donna’s head this weekend. Did you watch Phoneshop?

  9. Chez says:

    Lisa, just catching up with your blog…..Thanks be to God for his mercy and protection. God is surely good all the time….Fantastic news that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, i can only imagine what you must have been going through waiting for the results…..Girl hold steadfast to your faith, God is every step of the way with you, he does not give us more than we can bare…..

    Continous prayers for you and the family always……xxxx

  10. SHARON HUGINS says:

    Praise the Lord!!!! Lisa I am elated hearing your wonderful news. God truly is an awesome God, and prayers have now been answered!!!! We will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers. Heavens bless u, wishing you you and your family a happy and healthy new year. LOVE U GIRL XX

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s