So here I am, 2 weeks past my last chemo, just recovering from the various side effects, I’m very very tired – all the time, my hands and feet are peeling again, albeit not as severely as the last time, my back hurts, my eyes are constantly watering and my eyelashes have left the building….eyebrows only just holding on, they are sparse, but are still just about there if you look closely 😦
Today I went to a “Look Good Feel Better” session which is run by a national charity for women who have had cancer and suffered the various confidence knocks like hair loss, facial hair loss (i.e. eyelashes, eyebrows) etc. At this group session make up artists from various big named companies give up their time to come and do our make-up and show us tips (like drawing on ones eyebrows). Plus we get a fantastic goody bag full of various skin care and make up, it was a great couple of hours and for such a worthy cause.
So then comes tomorrow….my appointment with my breast surgeon. The day he tells me when he is going to take my breast off 😦 I always knew this day was coming, but it was like 6 months ago since he told me that having my booby off was the only way forward for me. I was quite nonchalant about it back then, as I was having to face 8 cycles of chemotherapy first so the “cut of my boob” bit was so far in the future it wasn’t worth worrying about back then. But now………its here. Reality is beginning to hit again and I keep looking at my poorly breast which looks perfectly normal by the way (except it still has my hickman line hanging out of it)….you really wouldn’t know about the beast which lies within her.
I keep touching her (nothing kinky), I keep looking at her (nothing freaky), it’s just because very possibly this time next week she will no longer be part of my body, and I don’t know how I feel about it. My breast is part of my woman-ness, it breast-fed my three children as young babies, it kept Rannie entertained (many a time 🙂 ) and it made me look all symmetric in a nice frock, and now, she just won’t be there any more.
Her twin sister will still be there though, sitting all lonely on my chest. I keep thinking, should I take a picture of her before she goes? Does that sound silly? or even sick in some way? and just where would I put that picture? In a box perhaps, with my old bras which will instantly become redundant once she is gone.
How will I face looking at the scar which is what will be left of her as a reminder of my womanhood….I don’t know 😦 I guess I’m just in a pessimistic mood at the moment, I need to refocus and try to find the positives about the whole booby off thing. Trying to be positive right now….is REALLY hard.
Right now…..for me….its time for prayer….and a damn stiff drink….KMT 😦
Love, Light & Boobies