Well, its here. Its actually time. I so wish I could roll back time. May 4th will always be a day to remember that I’d rather forget. Makes it worse that May 5th is the day my Stepdad died so I can’t go and visit his resting place this year.
If I could roll back time, I’d take it back to that time I had that itchy right nipple and go straight to the doctor. I’d take it back to that time when I had a bruise type pain under my right armpit but thought nothing of it and go straight to the doctor.
But I can’t. The opportunity for that came…and went…..and the chance for me to catch this bastard disease before it took refuge in my breast and my lymph nodes has gone, so here I am having to face facts.
Its the evening before my breast surgeon will walk into the “lets put you to sleep”room, just like he did in October 2011 when he removed the original lump and say “Hi Lisa, how you doing, don’t worry, everything is going to be ok”. This time though, he knows that he has to remove part of me that as a woman, (and a young woman at that), is an emotional attachment.
I’d hate to have his job, I hate him because he is going to mutilate me, yet I love him because in 16 hours from now he is again going to do all he can to remove the cancer from me and all being well, give me many more years of life.
I had a good chat on Tuesday with my vicar. She came to my house to say prayers with me and I had an anointing. We spoke about many things but we touched on life and death. I told her I’m not scared of dying, I’m really not, I sat with people who were at the end of their life and watched them pass over from my years in nursing, I was with my Step Dad when he passed on and its always been a peaceful time, no suffering, no pain, just quiet and tranquil.
So then why am I scared?
Im scared of looking at myself in a mirror. Scared of the huge scar that will sit across my chest where there was once a beautiful breast. Imagine having one breast??? Will that not look odd?? – I’m scared my husband may look at me and not feel the same way he did when there were two, I mean, he’s been actively looking at them, playing with them for 20 odd years, will it not seem strange to him aswell? This cancer not only invaded me but has also invaded his space?
I’m scared that people will notice that I’m lopsided (thank God for my breast prosthesis), I’m scared people will act differently around me, I’m scared that the cancer will come back in my one good breast and I have to go through it all again.
I’m scared I will never lose this damned excess chemo & steroid weight I’ve gained over the last 8 months and I’m scared I will never feel “good” about myself again. When I look in the mirror on Saturday, I will see a chubby, thin whispy haired, fat faced, one breasted, scarred and scared woman…….MAJOR KMT’ing going on right now!
I’m scared that every pain, every twinge I get from now on I will fear that the cancer is looking for a new growing place and I will become a paranoid, pessimistic person. Will my life ever be as easy going as it was before?
I’m scared that I will never be able to put on my Asics running trainers and take to the pavements again to do my running because my bones, my knees and muscles hurt so damned much after the chemo, just walking up the stairs right now is a mission.
I’m scared that my hair will never grow thick again and I will be left with the thin whispy hairs which currently adorn my head.
I wish that I’d never read the book “The Secret” because now I’m scared that everything I say above will come true because I thought it 😦
I’m scared about lots of things. But hey, its just my emotions running riot in my head, in a couple of weeks I will bounce back and be Lisa again, I will have found the funny side of this whole shituation and be laughing at myself – I do have that bounce-back-ability gene, somewhere, its just hibernating at the moment.
Do you know last night I had to throw away my bras? Well…..when I say throw away they are actually going to a charity which sends them to women in Africa & India…so at least they are going to a good home. But it was the saddest thing to do.
Ive received the most wonderful prayers, support, messages, visits, hugs, gifts and shoulders to cry on over the last few days. I have some wonderful friends and family, I really do, and I dont take any one of them for granted.
So thats it, I say goodbye for a little while now…..until then my lovely people, hold tight and take care.
My Husband sent me the video below, it says everything he wants me to know about “us”, its a beautiful song, have a listen, it made me cry. Click on the link below for Music Soulchild, it takes about 10 seconds to start – but its worth the wait.
Gods Love, Light & Blessings