I’m so scared, but not of dying

Well, its here.  Its actually time.  I so wish I could roll back time. May 4th will always be a day to remember that I’d rather forget.  Makes it worse that May 5th is the day my Stepdad died so I can’t go and visit his resting place this year.

If I could roll back time, I’d take it back to that time I had that itchy right nipple and go straight to the doctor.  I’d take it back to that time when I had a bruise type pain under my right armpit but thought nothing of it and go straight to the doctor. 

But I can’t. The opportunity for that came…and went…..and the chance for me to catch this bastard disease before it took refuge in my breast and my lymph nodes has gone, so here I am having to face facts.

Its the evening before my breast surgeon will walk into the “lets put you to sleep”room, just like he did in October 2011 when he removed the original lump and say “Hi Lisa, how you doing, don’t worry, everything is going to be ok”.  This time though, he knows that he has to remove part of me that as a woman, (and a young woman at that), is an emotional attachment.

I’d hate to have his job, I hate him because he is going to mutilate me, yet I love him because in 16 hours from now he is again going to do all he can to remove the cancer from me and all being well, give me many more years of life.

I had a good chat on Tuesday with my vicar. She came to my house to say prayers with me and I had an anointing. We spoke about many things but we touched on life and death.  I told her I’m not scared of dying, I’m really not, I sat with people who were at the end of their life and watched them pass over from my years in nursing, I was with my Step Dad when he passed on and its always been a peaceful time, no suffering, no pain, just quiet and tranquil.

So then why am I scared?

Im scared of looking at myself in a mirror.  Scared of the huge scar that will sit across my chest where there was once a beautiful breast. Imagine having one breast??? Will that not look odd?? – I’m scared my husband may look at me and not feel the same way he did when there were two, I mean, he’s been actively looking at them, playing with them for 20 odd years, will it not seem strange to him aswell?  This cancer not only invaded me but has also invaded his space?

I’m scared that people will notice that I’m lopsided (thank God for my  breast prosthesis), I’m scared people will act differently around me, I’m scared that the cancer will come back in my one good breast and I have to go through it all again.

I’m scared I will never lose this damned excess chemo & steroid weight I’ve gained over the last 8 months and I’m scared I will never feel “good”  about myself again. When I look in the mirror on Saturday, I will see a chubby, thin whispy haired, fat faced, one breasted, scarred and scared woman…….MAJOR KMT’ing going on right now!

I’m scared that every pain, every twinge I get from now on I will fear that the cancer is looking for a new growing place and I will become a paranoid, pessimistic person. Will my life ever be as easy going as it was before?

I’m scared that I will never be able to put on my Asics running trainers and take to the pavements again to do my running because my bones, my knees and muscles hurt so damned much after the chemo, just walking up the stairs right now is a mission.

I’m scared that my hair will never grow thick again and I will be left with the thin whispy hairs which currently adorn my head.

I wish that I’d never read the book “The Secret” because now I’m scared that everything I say above will come true because I thought it 😦

I’m scared about lots of things. But hey, its just my emotions running riot in my head, in a couple of weeks I will bounce back and be Lisa again, I will have found the funny side of this whole shituation and be laughing at myself – I do have that bounce-back-ability gene, somewhere, its just hibernating at the moment.

Bye Bye Bras 😦

Do you know last night I had to throw away my bras?  Well…..when I say throw away they are actually going to a charity which sends them to women in Africa & India…so at least they are going to a good home. But it was the saddest thing to do.

Ive received the most wonderful prayers, support, messages, visits, hugs, gifts and shoulders to cry on over the last few days.  I have some wonderful friends and family, I really do, and I dont take any one of them for granted.

So thats it, I say goodbye for a little while now…..until then my lovely people, hold tight and take care.

My Husband sent me the video below, it says everything he wants me to know about “us”, its a beautiful song, have a listen, it made me cry. Click on the link below for Music Soulchild, it takes about 10 seconds to start – but its worth the wait.

Yes – Musiq Soulchild

Gods Love, Light & Blessings

Lisa

xxx

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About kissmeteet

47, wife, mother of 3 and nanny to 2, Christian. 6 year survivor of stage II Breast Cancer.
This entry was posted in breast, cancer, death and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to I’m so scared, but not of dying

  1. Liz Muir says:

    You’re a solider who has won this battle and you’ll be a much better person for having fought it which is incredible because as Bruno Mars says; “you’re amazing (and always will be) just the way you are (whatever state that turns out to be!) xxx

  2. I’ll be thinking about you all day tomorrow and sending you strength.

  3. Val says:

    You are an awesome, inspirational woman of God whom I admire greatly. Know that you are going through this challenge on a bed of prayers. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people praying for you every day xx

  4. dougeharper says:

    Thinking of you Lisa.
    There is indeed a lot to be said about “bounce-back-ability ” and the gift of laughter as well.
    Doug

  5. Joy Scott says:

    My lovely sistren, through this journey you have learnt so many life lessons, most of all how much you are loved by your husband chidren family and friends. Your faith has reminded you how much your heavenly father loves you and cares for you. This is another step in your journey, its a slip road that takes you onto the road of full recovery.
    i want to remind you of the bible verse below, and encourage you with a prayer.

    “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
    John 14:27 (NLT)

    Dear Lord,
    fear is troubling my dear sister Lisa, lord please give her your love and your power to replace these fears as Your perfect love casts out all fear. I pray now for the peace that only you can give. lord still her worried heart. and remind her that Because you are with her she does not have to be afraid. Father in your mighty name i pray your presence will fill the operating theatre and your annointing will come upon the surgeon to provide him with the skill needed to perform a miracle in my sisters life. Lord sustain her by your grace so that her strength and courage will not leave her. lord you have started her healing and in your mighty name i pray for total and complete healing for she is your child and you have promised never to leave or forsake her. Continue with your divine care in my sisters time of need, be near to her Husband and Children at this time, in Jesus name i have prayed

  6. Natalie says:

    God is standing by and we’re all thinking of you, praying for you and trusting in Him to guide and protect you on this next stage of your journey. With love, hugs and admiration in abundance, here for you whenever, always and forever x x x

  7. Siobhan says:

    Thanks as always Lisa for sharing your thoughts and fears with us so openly. I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow and really praying that tomorrow is the start of you cancer free life with many many long years to look back on tomorrow as a day it left you.

    Keep being strong, all the other things you crave like your hair and your figure and enjoying your running again are just a little way down the road ahead for you to pick up again.

    Take care you really have been so inspirational and reading your messages have touched so many others lives and done so much good work i hope you know that. Love Siobhan and boys xxxxxxxx

  8. Marcia Williams says:

    Lovely Lisa I found this poem just for to x

    The Greatest Artist

    God is the greatest artist
    To whom no one can compare,
    Streaking sunsets very beautiful,
    Painting rainbows in the air.

    Brushing green the hillside scene,
    Blotting blue the sky above,
    Splashing flowers ‘cross the ground beneath,
    Shading white clouds with His glove.

    Of the wonders God has made

    There is none that is so fair
    As the smile He paints upon your face
    When you realize He’s there.

  9. One day at a time hun xxx

  10. djdeneez says:

    Oh heck!!! Lisa sweetie – be strong hun… thinking of you and praying for the light to shine on your beautiful being and make you the strong woman you truely are. Bless you xxx

  11. Andi McLean says:

    Oh Lisa Dear Lisa, from my heart this is true;
    I don’t know any other woman,
    That’s more WOMAN than you,

    From any angle you want,..
    Where should I begin?
    Well it don’t matter a toss 
    Whether you’re fat or you are thin,
    Or an Afro or weave or plaits you’re modeling….
    Or even like Homer Simpson,
    Wid jus’ one piece ah string..
    All dem deh tings don’t mean anything…
    Cos you’re still a Queen and you STILL have your King!
    Cos Oh Lisa Dear Lisa, he knows it is true;
    And doesn’t know any other woman,
    That’s more WOMAN than you!

    From 2 breast to 1 breast? 
    That’s tough I can see,
    Especially cos you’re used to having plenty,…
    They’ve nurtured your children
    And pleasured Rannie,
    So I dunno what do you think of 
    Reconstructive surgery?
    Still it ain’t really your breasts 
    That mek him happy…
    It’s something beyond that
    That we can all see..
    Cos Oh Lisa Dear Lisa, 
    He knows this is true;
    There ain’t no other woman,
    That’s more WOMAN than you,

    Thru your fears and your woes
    You show courage and prose
    Thru your anx and your tears
    You show wisdom of years
    Thru the facing of your pain
    You give strength to the lame
    And still throughout your whole story,
    You STILL give God the glory?!
    That’s why Lisa Dear Lisa, 
    from my heart I know its true;
    I don’t know any other woman,
    That’s more WOMAN than you,

    So I pray thru this op
    Before you come to,
    That the surgeons hand be guided
    Successfully thru,
    So the prognosis we hear in the next coming days
    Is this illness is gone 
    from NOW for ALWAYS!!
    Cos Oh Lisa Dear Lisa, from my heart this is true;
    I don’t know any other woman,
    That’s more WOMAN than you!!

    Jah Love, Guidance, Protection, Love, Light & an abundance of blessings. 

    Love. Andi xxxxxxxxxxx

  12. Chez (Cheryl) says:

    Lisa, you have educated and opened many a eyes throughout your journey. You have been honest, humourous and scared. Many would not have had the courage to share as much as you have and for that girl, I have the most upmost respect. ………………………………………………………It has not only been a journey for you Lisa……………Rannie and the Kids, your family, friends and the Almighty has been with you on this journey. I will continue to pray for you and the family as you go thru the next stage of your journey. Always KEEP THE FAITH, for the Almighty walks with you and the family……Mwah xxxxx

  13. tersiaburger says:

    What a beautiful gesture by your husband.

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