When I wake up each morning and open my eyes, up until about 6 weeks ago, my first thought of each day was “I have breast cancer”. My second thought of the day was “I have breast cancer” and the third….yes, you’ve guessed it, “I have breast cancer”. But slowly, very slowly that thought is beginning to become the second thought of the day and I long for it to become the third, then fourth, fifth and so on. In fact, I long for it to not once cross my mind for just one day and allow me to be so busy living my life, doing “other” stuff that I actually forget that I had cancer at one point.
A year on from that awful day, I’m a changed woman in many ways. Not in my personality, but just in the things I hold close to my heart, what I see as important, I’m more focussed on the things I want to do, I’m trying to stop procrastinating so much and become a “doer”. My spiritual growth is phenomenal and I’m no longer allowing pointless situations to rule my life.
But its the moving forward thats the hard bit and I have to truly fight the demons in the back of my mind to enable myself to move on from this. I keep myself busy, with work and with Church, but I have a sense of fear in moving on although I really, really want to.
I have realised why Im struggling, and its because not only did the cancer take my right breast, it took my confidence with it, it took my “spark”, my “zest”and I’m struggling to get it back. In the 12-18 months leading up to my diagnosis I was in the midst of enjoying the blessings I’d be given. My health wasn’t an issue (or so I thought), I was happy with my body and my mind. I was enjoying being a wife. I was having a great time learning new things about the new people in my life and I had so many plans whizzing around my head which involved them.
Then along came cancer and frigged it all up for me. My life no longer felt full of blessings it felt like I’d been cursed. No longer was I fit and healthy, I was fighting a disease which had the potential to kill me. No longer was I looking in the mirror and being happy with what looked back at me, I was…I am horrified with the reflection because she doesn’t resemble the Lisa that was. My mind, no longer filling with plans, was now filling with the thoughts of death and dying and leaving behind my loved ones. No longer was I enjoying being a wife because I’d suddenly become my husbands patient and No longer was I enjoying the company of my family and friends as I was spending all my time either at the hospital or in bed.
So you ask me….whats the fear, why can’t you move on?
Well, most cancer patients will agree, its the fear of it coming back. The fear of it returning with more agression that it did before. The fear it puts in your mind which in turn stops you from planning that trip next year, stops you from planning to buy that new house. Stops you from talking about or making plans for your future because deep down you worry you actually might not have one.
My big sis said something to me a few weeks back which I take forward with me – she said “Lisa, you have to be captain of your own ship”!
Love, Light & Blessings 🙂