Its been a while since I last blogged. Its not that I have little or nothing to say, i’ve just tried to get on with my life, tried to put the last couple of years behind me in some way and move on, but, I’ve found out that moving on is really difficult. No matter what I attempt to distract my mind with, I just can’t move away from cancer. Everywhere I go its there, pink shit, cancer adverts, people dying, TV soaps with cancer stories, news bulletins on the next best cancer treatment but STILL no cure! I know its just daily life but jheez sometimes I wish it would just GO AWAY ALREADY!
Right now, I’m sitting in the cafe at City Hospital having just had a radioactive injection in preparation for a bone scan. Over the last few weeks I’ve had the strangest pains in my back and chest and I keep getting pins and needles in my feet. So of course, with my recent history, all I can do is assume the beast is back, in its worse form of secondary cancer and I’m trying really hard to ignore the gremlins in my head but the bastards wont leave me alone. So finally after 2 months of rising anxiety, aches, pains and weird sensations I called my oncologist, he told me to come in. Of course my oncologist told me he doubts there is anything to worry about, but they always flippin tell you that thinking that you wont worry…..let me tell you, the worry NEVER ends.
So many of my family and friends have moved on from “my cancer” because they can. They have other life issues to concern themselves with – work, money, family matters, price of food, getting the car through its MOT, home projects and a host of other life events. I have those exact same other issues too but tagged on the end of my worry list is cancer. No matter how many other life events i try to divert my mind to, I always end back up here, in this place, with the gremlins and the demons filling my sub conscious mind with crap and negativity……I pray it off, and it comes back…I pray it off again, but it sneaks back in, in many forms, pain, aches, sleeplessness, palpitations, anxiety, worry, headaches, lack of concentration….my list is endless I tell you.
So here I am, trying to get some answers. I had to stop burying my head in the sand. The only way to stop the worry is to prove there is nothing to worry about and only a barrage of scans and tests can do that. I think worrying about what “might” be going on is in many ways worse than finding out what “is” going on. As if they do find the little bastards setting up camp elsewhere at least I will know what that burning pain in my back and shoulder is, or whether those pins and needles in my feet are related to cancer or just my ever increasing BMI or my chest pain is an after effect of radiotherapy or do I have lung mets?
Tomorrow morning I return here yet again for more tests. A CT Scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and then the 2 week wait for the results…….that is going to be an awful time for me, the wait….i wish they would tell us straight away cause i can tell you now I’m not going to be myself for the next fortnight (pre warning to my family right there…don’t ask mummy for stupid shit cause you will get the stinky eye stare!) lol
As i sit here in the costa cafe by oncology waiting for the radioactive injection to be absorbed by my bones, I see so many women coming in and out of oncology with headscarves of all fashions and I know they are going through exactly what I’m going through and my heart hurts for them too, its called “Canceritis”, and excuse my french but I’m fucking sick and tired of it!
Love, Light & Abundant Blessings