Anxiety Never Ends

Its been a while since I last blogged. Its not that I have little or nothing to say, i’ve just tried to get on with my life, tried to put the last couple of years behind me in some way and move on, but, I’ve found out that moving on is really difficult. No matter what I attempt to distract my mind with, I just can’t move away from cancer. Everywhere I go its there, pink shit, cancer adverts, people dying, TV soaps with cancer stories, news bulletins on the next best cancer treatment but STILL no cure! I know its just daily life but jheez sometimes I wish it would just GO AWAY ALREADY!

Right now, I’m sitting in the cafe at City Hospital having just had a radioactive injection in preparation for a bone scan. Over the last few weeks I’ve had the strangest pains in my back and chest and I keep getting pins and needles in my feet. So of course, with my recent history, all I can do is assume the beast is back, in its worse form of secondary cancer and I’m trying really hard to ignore the gremlins in my head but the bastards wont leave me alone. So finally after 2 months of rising anxiety, aches, pains and weird sensations I called my oncologist, he told me to come in. Of course my oncologist told me he doubts there is anything to worry about, but they always flippin tell you that thinking that you wont worry…..let me tell you, the worry NEVER ends.

So many of my family and friends have moved on from “my cancer” because they can. They have other life issues to concern themselves with – work, money, family matters, price of food, getting the car through its MOT, home projects and a host of other life events. I have those exact same other issues too but tagged on the end of my worry list is cancer. No matter how many other life events i try to divert my mind to, I always end back up here, in this place, with the gremlins and the demons filling my sub conscious mind with crap and negativity……I pray it off, and it comes back…I pray it off again, but it sneaks back in, in many forms, pain, aches, sleeplessness, palpitations, anxiety, worry, headaches, lack of concentration….my list is endless I tell you.

So here I am, trying to get some answers. I had to stop burying my head in the sand. The only way to stop the worry is to prove there is nothing to worry about and only a barrage of scans and tests can do that. I think worrying about what “might” be going on is in many ways worse than finding out what “is” going on. As if they do find the little bastards setting up camp elsewhere at least I will know what that burning pain in my back and shoulder is, or whether those pins and needles in my feet are related to cancer or just my ever increasing BMI or my chest pain is an after effect of radiotherapy or do I have lung mets?

Tomorrow morning I return here yet again for more tests. A CT Scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and then the 2 week wait for the results…….that is going to be an awful time for me, the wait….i wish they would tell us straight away cause i can tell you now I’m not going to be myself for the next fortnight (pre warning to my family right there…don’t ask mummy for stupid shit cause you will get the stinky eye stare!) lol

As i sit here in the costa cafe by oncology waiting for the radioactive injection to be absorbed by my bones, I see so many women coming in and out of oncology with headscarves of all fashions and I know they are going through exactly what I’m going through and my heart hurts for them too, its called “Canceritis”, and excuse my french but I’m fucking sick and tired of it!

Love, Light & Abundant Blessings

Lisa xxx

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About kissmeteet

47, wife, mother of 3 and nanny to 2, Christian. 6 year survivor of stage II Breast Cancer.
This entry was posted in breast, cancer and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Anxiety Never Ends

  1. dougeharper says:

    Hey Lisa
    It IS a bloody life changer having this bastard disease!
    Keep on keeping on with your blog, it is honest and explains some stuff in a way that I can’t.
    Love n Hugs from Plumstead
    Doug
    XX

  2. mo says:

    Always thinking and praying for U Lisa..good luck. Mo. Derby xxxx

  3. Andi McLean says:

    Hi Lisa, longtime no speak, but rest assured you’re always in my thoughts. Your story of how you courageously faced your ‘evil stalker’ head on, exposing it at every dark corner and taking us thru your amazing journey by blog has NEVER CEASED to be a point of inspiration for me and I still find myself sharing it amongst friends who since I’ve known you, have been diagnosed with the same ‘arch nemesis’ as well as new friends coming into my life. They all have a lot of admiration for you as you’ve given them ALL hope, strength and courage too!

    Last year my friend Ray Carless Jr was diagnosed.. I shared your story with him and it helped shed a positive light on his condition, he also had a network of good positive friends around him whom gave him no end of encouragement and sound spiritually wholesome advice. He completely changed his diet and went onto raw foods, did plenty of daily positive meditation and continued to play/perform his music (he’s a Sax player)…. I’m glad to say that he is now COMPLETELY free of it and I have NO DOUBT that they will soon say the same for you too.

    Whatever you do Lisa, do as you’ve been doing and never put your head in the sand. You can’t ignore it completely, but don’t give it too much attention and try not to feed it with your anxiety, cos that surely can’t be helpful to you. In a way, it’s a bit like a car in a particular shade/hue,… You never notice it around you til you get it, then all of a sudden it’s bleedin’ well everywhere!

    You or others might be thinking “That’s easy for you to say mate,.. he/she who feels it knows it!”
    But what should I do?… Just read your blog and shut mi mout’?…. Nah…I can’t not say anything can I?
    A friend will/should always be willing to share even a modicum of hope, positivity and/or convey a sense of possibility, cos remember; before, during and at the end of the day, it’s our supreme Creator we’re dealing with aren’t we? And with Him/Her/It… ALL things are possible!

    Live up, Love up, Strength up, Guide up my Sister!

    Love, light and continual blessings.

    Andi Xxx

  4. Mckain75@yahoo.co.uk says:

    Hi Lisa Hoping and praying for you. You are always in my thoughts. Lots of love.Marcia M of Great BARR

  5. Karen Seaton says:

    Love and blessings to you Lisa, your inner strength always shines through.

    Virtual hugs and warmest best wishes
    Karen xx

  6. Michelle Sutherland says:

    Lisa, you are a diamond rock to so many of us and you’ve educated so many of us about this ‘dark illness’ BUT I seriously wish someone would wave that magic wand for you so you worry no more. I have just read Isaiah 41:10 and would like to pass it onto you my beautiful Sister. Find time for no-one but yourself , God will take care of the rest. Good family & friends will be there whenever you need & disappear when you need your ‘me’ time.

    I’ve known quite a few with this bastard disease but I know I speak for many when I say YOU my Darling have been the best Educator to us with your blogs and updates. Couldn’t love you anymore than I do already cause I love you nuff nuff.

    Mwahs, hugs and prayers to you my Darling.

    From Sis Michelle xxx

  7. Shaz says:

    Hey sis, the devil is a liar!!!!!! I must b obedient when God talks to Me, he told me to get in touch with u as u were in my thoughts for The last couple if days, and now I read this!!! U can c from my Fb Comment I knew nothing about what was going on, but I was leAd By God to write what I did. U r in my prayers Lisa, rebuke this thing In JESUS name.

    Love u always xxxx

    Sent from Sharon’s iPhone

  8. Pingback: Remember, Tomorrow May Be The Best Day Of Your LIfe | I Just Got Cancer

  9. Sending you prayers and well wishes. Can only pray the 2 weeks goes even just a little faster than you imagine it will x

    You are an inspiration and an amazing woman and I know that doesn’t keep cancer away but I hope it scares it a little x

  10. sarah says:

    Hi Lisa,
    So so sorry to hear of your latest battle, how are you hun? mets aren’t great BUT I’m living with lung mets and not doing so bad, just keep on keeping on and living for the moment thats all any of us can do, I’m with you on the “fucking sick of it” just got my MRI results back of my head (checking for brain mets) and it came back clear, praying your results are clear hun, sending you lots of love and light Sarah xxxx

    • kissmeteet says:

      Hey Sarah,

      I got the all clear on Wednesday. Im so relieved. Im glad to hear your brain scan was clear but I can imagine the stress and anxiety that must have caused you.

      Trying to tackle my weight now, the damn drugs and forced menopause is taking its toll on my body! 4 bloomin stone i gained in 20 months! Lol

      • sweetsdesign says:

        Hey Lisa, thanks for getting back to me hun. Totally sympathise on the weight gain thing I’ve put on the same amount 4 stone! In my latest onc appt. they asked me how I was on Tamoxifen to which I told them exactly how it is “its hideous makes you put on non- food related weight gain and aches my joints” they said that in order to change my medication they would need to do a blood test to determine my menopausal status if I’m through it then they can put me on another AI which will at the very least make me loose the weight. There are still side effects like aching joints etc. But I can live with that if I’m able to loose some of this devastating weight. If your on Tamoxifen I strongly advise you to get this blood test done if your through the menopause you could be through with Tamoxifen. On another note I changed my blog site to http://livingwithsbc.blogspot.co.uk/ just in case you were wondering. Hope all is well with you. Speak soon sending much love Sarah xxxxx

      • kissmeteet says:

        Hey Sarah, how you doing hun? Just had the blood test you spoke about carried out this week and they have spoken about me changing onto an AI and also mentioned it might help with the weight gain, have you had any luck shifting it at all since you came off Tamoxifen?

  11. Su says:

    wow WTF excuse my French. Lisa I adore your tenacity. You are truly awesome. pure I hear you. I feel you. sweetheart keep the faith. what a testimony. you are in my prayers and a total inspiration. you’ve come too far to turn back now. keep singing earth angel

  12. sweetsdesign says:

    Hey Lisa, Just wanted to check in with you hun, great news you getting the all clear. I’m still in a stable condition and doing ok. Just saw your post underneath mine about weight gain. If its any consolation I’m in the same position 4 stone in 2 and half years which is exactly how long I’ve been taking tamoxifen. Why don’t they tell us about this most terrible of side effects going from a size 8 to an 18 is no joke and I sympathise with you totally. I am very tempted to stop taking the tamoxifen (I believe its the Herceptin thats working for me rather than the dammed Tamoxifen) I suppose the chemically induced menopause doesn’t help either BUT I swear its been since I started to take the Tamoxifen I’m supposed to be on it for 5 years don’t know if I can continue if I carry on putting on this much weight I think I’ll go pop!!!lol. Other people don’t understand and assume I’m eating more to put on so much weight but its not its definitely the tamoxifen. Ive tried dieting, exercise I’ve even tried not eating anything at all and just drinking water for a day and still put weight on. The key is don’t beat yourself up about this non eating chemically induced weight gain I think we are faced with 2 options. 1) Stop taking the tamoxifen and take a huge risk with our lives 2) continue taking it for the 5 years according to one of the other ladies that was on Tamoxifen when you finish it you tend to go back to your pre-cancer weight quite quickly so there is some hope hun. I blow hot and cold with this one but due to my secondaries will have to continue taking the dammed stuff until I decide I can’t cope with it anymore and then will take my risks. As with all the other decisions about cancer this is again a personal one and one only we can make as individuals. Sending you lots of love and light and an understanding shoulder hun xxxxSarah xxxx

    • kissmeteet says:

      Hi Sarah, I’m so rude, I saw your message ages ago and forgot to reply. Glad to hear you are doing well. Yes the weight gain is awful, really depressing. Even when I use to eat a lot and take no exercise I wasn’t this big. Of course I can’t have reconstruction until I’m within my normal weight limits, it’s a vicious circle. Sarah didn’t you have a blog page or am I mistaken?

  13. sweetie says:

    Hi Lisa, long time since we last spoke. Hope all is well with you. As regards the weight gain so I stopped taking the dreaded Tamoxifen back in July last year and so far I’ve lost a stone BUT about 2 months ago I started getting period pain and unfortunately got a period when I told the team at the hospital they said that I had to come in straight away and have my ovaries shut down as I was producing too much estrogen with the period so I am now on Zoladex implant every 3 weeks its a massive needle that they inject into my tummy but it does stop the periods so I am obviously still not through the dammed menopause and my body seems to be trying a last hurrah as far as periods are concerned. They also offered me AI in the form of Arimedex when you read through the side effects its got the usual weight gain and as I was 14 stone!!! at that point I decided against taking it they don’t know that I’m not taking it but my scan results show the liver lesion is stable and the lung mets have disappeared so I’ve chosen not to take it and will take my chances. The Zoladex implant shuts the ovaries down and when you look at the small print does say yet more weight gain but so far I’m not putting on anymore weight so I’m hoping I wont with the iimplant. However, I am considering having my ovaries removed and will be asking my onc. at the July appt. whether or not I can have this done in stead of having the implant. To my mind it makes more sense to just remove the buggers as they are of no use to me anymore and produce the cancer feeding estrogen so like the sodding breast I wanna get rid!! Its a simple operation performed with keyhole surgery and a day in hospital so I’m pushing for that. As far as weight gain is concerned its a really tricky one not all of us will put on weight with cancer treatment and like the cancer itself how we react is different for everyone., I’ve learned that estrogen is a very important hormone in that it feeds our bones and also affects our metabolism which is why I think we’ve both put on weight obviously our estrogen was firing up our metabolism and now we are blocking it theres nothing to inform our metabolism hence the reason we’ve put on weight. Doe’s that make any sense to you:? Any way glad your ok other than the weight and sending you lots of love and light as always Sarah xxxxx

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