Yep…..still here

Boy its been a while….I’ve been a busy busy bee….getting on with my life.  I put things I thought I would never again do back on to my list…and I’m working through them, one by one, day by day. I’ve sold 2 houses, bought a new house, moved 2 houses, moved my mother in (God help me), changed cars, done structural and building work, decorating, planning, etc etc.

I had to let go of cancer for a good while – I had to stop blogging about it, I had to stop suffering its call…..it has the ability to take control of your life, it sits in every corner waiting to remind you that it was there. You just can’t escape it….shit…even if you have never had cancer you can’t escape it because you will know someone who just got diagnosed with it, or someone who is going through treatment for it….or someone who died from it….and if none of the above….I guarantee you will know someone who doesn’t even yet know they have it! Damn!

Anyway – I still don’t look anything like I did in September 2011. I’m a changed woman. I have to ask myself am I changed for the better?  Probably not…..I am still carrying so much emotional baggage on me from that episode in my life….you wont know it unless you choose to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with me….which an old friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in quite some time did just a couple of weeks back. When I gave him my usual “I’m good” response to his “How are you?” – He then replied “that’s nice….but how are you REALLY”? It kind of threw me a little…”ummmmm….well….you know” I answered. He said “ummmmm…no…I don’t”. Well frigg me….who told him to ask! I started reeling off a long ass list of all the issues, challenges, pains, problems, emotions, concerns, worries, heartaches, loss, fear etc etc…….(this list is not exhaustive by the way lol). But good as he is – he opened his ears and listened to every one of my worries and woes….God Bless him. It was learning for him also – because he admitted half the things I mentioned he didnt ever think they would be of concern to someone recovering from cancer. He was in ore of some of the “things” Id put in place as a precaution in case the bitch (thats the cancer) ever returned and finished me off.  I know my family and friends never want to hear me talking that way but my reality is I think differently from someone whose life has never been altered or threatened.

Only someone who has survived or is currently surviving an illness which could return understands the level at which we think and plan. I’m not saying that I’m going anywhere soon – heck I’m praying there is a few years left in the old bird yet!….but what if there isn’t?  The old saying “tomorrow is not promised to anyone”…..actually…..for your information…..the next hour isn’t promised either! Heck I could go outside to put the bins out, trip on a loose brick, fall over, hit my head and its all over.

In the last few months, from my breast cancer support group, 4 of the women have died. It’s so upsetting I can’t begin to tell you. All of them have left young families, children growing up without their mothers, husbands widowed at such a young age, parents distraught because they’ve had to bury their children, siblings lost without their loving sister….the list of people it affects goes on and on. Yet I’m sitting here moaning about my issues!

There is an empty seat at the dinner table, a wardrobe full of mums clothes to sort, trinket boxes of personal possessions, pictures of times past, the smell of mums perfume on her scarves, her car sitting out on the drive…undriven, her keys hanging on the key rack, her mobile phone in the draw, her voice mail never deleted so you can still hear her voice, her favourite cup sits in the cupboard, her nail varnish on the bathroom shelf, the invitation to the wedding in July that Mum won’t be going to, the pile of letters on the table from people who don’t know she isn’t here anymore, the mound of jumpers and special clothes in the wash basket because no-one knows what temperature to wash them on, the plants shriveled or dead because only Mum cared for them, the “how are you coping” sympathy stares from the neighbours.

Oh..My..GOD!  What those families must be going through right now. Its truly humbling.

So for all those little things that you are moaning and groaning about right now…..just let it go, even if just for a day or two – rid your mind of them…..take a deep breath and just thank God you are still alive. Look around you and just realize…yes…YOU are Blessed.

Love, Light & Blessings 🙂

Dedicated to my breast cancer angels: Kym Bowles, Gail Young, Michelle Collins & Sue Willis

Inspired by: http://blackgirlinherts.wordpress.com/

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About kissmeteet

47, wife, mother of 3 and nanny to 2, Christian. 6 year survivor of stage II Breast Cancer.
This entry was posted in breast, cancer, chemo, death and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Yep…..still here

  1. Marcia says:

    🌹🌹🌹🌹You are a inspiration xxx

  2. Rebecca Guthrie says:

    Lisa you have gift. You are a writer. You need never stop using this gift for good. Your blog has made me laugh, brought me to tears, humbled me and made me stop and think. You are a blessing xx

  3. Dawn Morgan says:

    Lisa

    It’s been a while! You’re still here, yes! Go on girl… It’s not your time yet! You have definitely been extremely busy… Puts me to shame as I have been procrastinating and focusing on all the things that were/are going wrong in my life. Yet none of it is life threatening or even warrants the attention I have given it/them. I speak in past tense because I have started to make radical changes already. Watch this space girl… 2014 is the year of change. I’m still umming & arring over whether I should blog or not… So whilst I am unsure, I will just keep a few peeps updated by email so look out for updates.

    Btw, my cousin will be happy to see that you were inspired by her blog…. I’m sure she will enjoy reading yours.

    Even though I don’t know you in person, my spirit really connects with you and you remain in my thoughts & prayers.

    Much love. D x

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  4. Liz says:

    A necessary and timely reminder for us to be grateful for every second we have. Thank you. xx

  5. Sharon Huggins says:

    Lisa, you have touched many lives with your testimony and souls will b saved because we know Jesus lives, therefore we can face tomorrow. Thank u for inspiring us and stay blessed sis. May God continue to Bless u RICHLY
    Love u Missy 😘🙏

  6. Nubia aka Tricia says:

    WOW!! Well that left me speechless. Lisa, you are doing a marvellous job addressing the fears, the issues and the concerns of those that have survived that bitch. This blog will mean so much to so many out there. Keep doing your thing, your journey has not ended and I daresay subconsciously, it will always be a journey. In the meantime, just give Higher Powers thanks for being given the strength to write an amazing, thought-provoking piece. Stay Blessed….. Nubia/ Patricia

  7. matthew says:

    Excellent blog, just excellent

    Lisa, I am currently organising a programme at my church next month entitled ‘ how to get through what you’re going through’. The platform is for both men and women to share and suffer together. The hope is that your story will be a guiding light to your peers. Please say you will do a small spot 7 minutes max . Only small groups and single sex. Even if you read sections of this blog. Please please.

  8. I have only just seen this post. I am humbled. Sending you loads of love.

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